The Zen of Waitressing

I am trying to be a perfect waitress. How sad is that? Well, I figure if I'm working this piss-ant job, I might as well see how good I can get. And I think I'm pretty damn good. I rarely break things, I don't loiter around chit-chatting with the cooks (o.k., not for long anyway...), and, in the words of Phoebe Damrosch, who used to be a captain at Per Se restaurant in New York, I don't just fulfill needs, I try to anticipate them - inasmuch as I can in a casual little, middle-of-the-road- bistro. It's not that hard, actually.

I hadn't waitressed for, uh, I don't want to say how long ago. I'll leave it at "over ten years". I had been a customer at the old place and thought I could help them out after their rushed and stressful move westward. No idea whether I'd suck or not. But after years of retail and interpretive jobs, I figured my work ethic and customer service skills have been honed so fine that I could almost, but not quite, do it blindfolded and covered in cheap pancake syrup (mmmm... artificial maple flavour...).

My biggest problem is that I'm still an extroverted introvert -- someone who forces herself to be outgoing, but only enough to serve the situation. Beyond the basics, I often find myself tongue-tied or retreating into routine. My brain is coming up with all sorts of observations, but I keep thinking people won't understand, or will find them off-putting, or bizarre. I also suffer from 'delayed-comeback syndrome', wherein I'll be faced with verbal jousting and retreat with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth -- only to think of a brilliant comeback minutes, or hours, too late. I know I'm not alone in my agony, but I definitely feel that way when I'm faced with a table full of smart-ass customers.

Forgetting makes me wince too. I have a small rule about always remembering a request for water, because I've had too many servers let me down when I've asked. Today I forgot someone's water and could not have sunk low enough in my abject apology. I'm not sure whether to be ashamed about scraping the floor like that or not. Does it make me a lesser human being? Should I care? I think the proof is in the tipping. In that case it worked. When it's over 20%, I guess I don't TOTALLY suck...