Jagged Little Scold

I have been absent from this blog for three years -- during which time I've gone through rather huge, tumultuous changes.  In an effort to deepen my personal and spiritual evolvement, I want to chronicle some of these changes, so that I can get a more objective look at what's happened and how I've been affected.  I realize that this will come off  at times as a big pity party or a navel-gazing extravaganza, but I feel putting it out publicly (even if only three people see it) will help me gain insight into who I am now and what I can do to get better going forward.

To go forward, I'm going backward --  to early 2012.  I was facing a move.  The house I'd been living in, in the rather nice basement suite, was sold and the new owners were replacing me with their mother-in-law.  Despite the inevitable upheaval that would ensue, getting turfed for an in-law was actually not what I hated the most.  Rather, I was upset because of the deteriorated relationship with my landlords.  Specifically, the one who was my singing teacher.  Several months before the move, I announced at the start of a lesson that I had been given a part in a play that would be traveling to New York City, so I had to decide what I was going to do about that and the fact that I had several pressing commitments at home, one of which involved looking after their beloved dog/child while they were away for their annual tropical vacation.  Her response was a horrible, narcissistic tongue-lashing wherein, among other things,  she reminded me that we had made a deal: I would occasionally look after things for them, dog included, in exchange for below-market rent.  Selfishly, according to her, I was only thinking about my own interests and wasn't available when they needed me.  On top of which, the play seemed dubious at best, and did I really want to waste my time on that (never mind the fact that it was the first role I'd been offered in six years)?  Ultimately, I decided to stay in town, telling myself there were too many commitments (including the dog-walking) to shuck off. Fear of confrontation probably decided that one for me, but I don't get a re-do on it, so I have to move on.

During that angry and scathing tirade, and I felt like I was the one wearing the dog collar, which was repeatedly yanked to remind me of where my loyalties should lie.  Although she was often a seemingly kind and generous woman, I now saw much of her generosity as self-serving, doled out when it would look good on her.  What I still hate is that I left that relationship on bitter terms, and never expressed how deeply her vicious scold hurt me.  I did write a long, detailed letter about it but, knowing that we would soon be parting ways and believing that it would only inflame her further, I chose not to send it.

Not the first time I've backed off.  When the previous Boyfriend verbally abused me at the end of our relationship in an effort to force me out, I never told him how his words destroyed my self-esteem.  After six years, I think I've processed his nasty behaviour and more-or-less forgiven him, but apparently I still haven't recovered from my teacher's more recent words.  There were other incidents over the four years I lived in their house, but that was by far the worst and the one that still hangs in the air, begging for me to recover.  In the past, I've mocked the value of resolution or closure, be it in relationships of my own, or the need for it that I have seen in others.  I don't think I'll be making that mistake any more.  Getting it off my chest would have been therapeutic in the long run.

One of the great ironies of the whole affair was that while I was looking after the dog, he was diagnosed with a probable case of cancer.  He died about two months after their return from vacation.  Whether it's karmic or not (I have my doubts), I still marvel at the timing…

Up next: The Long, Hot Summer of Discontent

A Little Taste of Shared Euphoria

Wonderful shared laugh tonight: on my ride home from work, two couples were sitting on a bench at the side of the road, facing me directly. All at once, they crossed their legs at the same moment. As soon as I realised what had happened I smiled at them and then all four broke out into delighted laughter. What a treat.

Another thing that made me go "Hmmmm..."

This is a graphic representing the most popular words in advertising girl's toys from the Wordle(TM) site. "The most common words used to advertise girls' toys, like Barbie, Bratz Dolls, My Little Pony, Littlest Pet Shop, Zhu Zhu Pets, Polly Pocket, Easy Bake, Monster High, and Moxie Girls." (from a creator called Achilles Effect) It includes such gems as "killer-boots" and "ever-after", although, interestingly, I don't think I saw the word "princess" in there.


This is a graphic for boys' toy advertising. "The most common words used in ads for toys like Hot Wheels, Matchbox, Nerf, Bakugan, Beyblades, and Kung Zhu." (AchillesEffect) Note 'stealth', 'dominate', 'weapon', 'weapon' 'strap-in', battle', enemy', but not 'kill' (or, for that matter, 'strap-on' -- phew!)

I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I'm not that surprised. On the other hand, I think the gender equality movement might want to sit up and take notice. What I'm wondering now is, do they have a 'gender-neutral toys' category, and what would the Wordle for that one look like? A combo? A completely new set of words? A mash-up of stuff about nature and the weather and junk food?

Hmmmm.

Courtney Martin: Reinventing feminism | Video on TED.com

In honour of Mother's Day:

Point-and-Shoot Show-and-Tell

I was just checking out a blog called Everybody Likes Sandwiches. The blogger (I started to say "writer", but bloggers are, happily, usually more than that) writes about and posts recipes and photos of her creations, and don't they just look splendid! I'm pretty sure it's going to be a go-to site for me in the months to come. I've already downloaded her recipe for the flakiest biscuits ever!

So now I've got the urge to post a few pictures I've taken recently with my Christmas-gift-to-myself, a new Nikon point-and-shoot. Along with semi-pithy comments, natch.



When I fly, I love taking photos, whether in the air or on the ground. Sometimes the results are striking, like this view of the wing as we travel away from the setting sun.



At work, there are busy days and quiet days, Luckily, on one of the quiet days, I had the camera handy and could fill some of the time with snapping photos (don't tell my boss), like this one of the cloud chamber in Space, one of my favorite exhibits in that hall. The chamber shows the 'contrails' of sub-atomic particles from Earth's upper atmosphere, which rain down in all directions, including through the super-cooled alcohol mist in the chamber. It looks like some sort of UFO! Wicked!!!!



The camera has a 12 MPG capture, which, for most purposes, is ridiculously huge, but when I combine it with the Macro feature and upload a big version, the capture has its advantages. O.K., so this isn't gi-normous, but you get the idea.



This morning I rehearsed for my upcoming art song recital in the huge old catholic church nearby, where my accompanist keeps his piano. As we were packing up at the end, he pointed out the beautiful light pouring in through the south windows, which was making some of the oak pews glow. Too bad the temperature in the church wasn't actually as warm as it looked. Stupid winter.

I don't always carry it with me, but when I do and I get shots like those, I'm thrilled.

Must. Act. On. This!

"... procrastination leads nowhere but to spinning our wheels and standing still. Staying stagnant provides no joy or fulfillment. Joy comes in making progress, accomplishing, and achieving our musical and personal goals. That requires action and work—and yes, beginning with the first step."

Sarah Thomas, Editor, Classical Singer Magazine.

Maybe not the most elegantly-stated affirmation, but words I want to live by, starting now.

More from her:

"Begin. The rest is easy."

Okay! Okay!!

Green

Voici des fruits, des fleurs, des feuilles et des branches

Et puis voici mon coeur qui ne bat que pour vous.

'Green' - Paul Verlaine

This month, the NaBloPoMo theme is Green, and how appropriate that I spent a day cycling through green. The Boyfriend and I spent a lovely summer afternoon riding through Niagara Wine Country, stopping at wineries, huffing and puffing up the Niagara Escarpment, rolling past orchards, admiring lush gardens.

It's a privilege and a luxury to do something like this in a place such as this. We had set aside just a little time for the trip -- only overnight. But one lovely day was all we needed. Even the brisk wind we rode into didn't seem so dreadful, although on the return trip it blew at our backs and I was grateful, considering how many wine bottles loaded down my panniers.

The people serving tourists in Wine Country are all pleasant. Of course, this is essential if you want a hope of someone buying your product. But even the guy picking blackberries off his fence beside our parked car was friendly. He shared a few berries with us, to my delight. All the more charming because it was completely unecessary.

We've settled into a B&B for the night. It's right on the shore of Lake Ontario. Toronto's skyline is visible almost straight across. The sunset was gorgeous, the water calm, the grass and trees are at their greenest moment of the summer, the taste of fine wine is still warm in my mouth. We could have it worse, now, couldn't we?

Here - some fruit, some flowers, some leaves and branches,

And here - my heart which beats for you alone.

Risk Averse?

From Craigslist Personals:

"The absolutely wildest thing I have ever done was… "

Hold on, let me think about that.



Ummmmmmm...




I guess that would have to be having sex in a university art studio after class. The second most wild would be making out with the baddest boy at the party until sunrise. The third wildest? Speaking up at a city-wide union meeting.

Or maybe it was agreeing to go sailing just before the biggest storm of the season broke over the water. Or deliberately getting so bombed at my own birthday party that I would finally know what it was like to get vomitously (made up that word) drunk. Or maybe it was biking to work through rush-hour traffic for two years straight.

Le sigh.

Not especially wild after all, but then again, not bad for a girl who normally takes very calculated risks. It's not that I shy away from recklessness, it's just that I usually make sure most of the recklessness of the activity is eliminated, so that I don't get caught and have to explain myself to the dean of arts/hostess of the party/members of my union local/emergency room doctor.

And yet, my investment profile is considered "high-risk".

I guess it's clear where my priorities lie...

I Am Woman, See Me Bellydance

Well, I'm back at 'er, after a long spell toiling for the bitch goddess Opera. Loved it, but working both the opera chorus and the Science Centre sucked up almost every minute of free time I had. And the weekend after, my sister came a-callin' from Calgary (the first time any family member has ever come just to visit lil' ol' me). So my time was still not my own.

So now here I sit, in the flotsam and jetsam of my basement suite, avoiding housework like it's the flu.

Lots of stuff has crossed my news desk in the last week, including Kathryn Bigelow's historic Best Director win at the Oscars, the beginning of the Paralympics, which CTV dutifully relegated to second-string (must play the advertisers' tune..), more violence in Belleville, ON., and the minimal media coverage of International Women's Day in Canada. Is that latter thing a good sign or a bad sign? Good in that maybe we've come far enough that we don't need a day to recognise our accomplishments? Bad in that well, it's International, if not Universal, and in some places quite a big deal, but not in The True North Strong and Free, where there's still plenty of inequality. And why isn't it International Women's MONTH, for heaven's sake? More than half the population of the world is female. You'd think we warranted more than a measly 24 hours to celebrate ourselves. And it's been celebrated since 1911. Next year is the centenary, for the love of all that's feminine! Give us our month!! We are, after all, ruled by monthly cycles!!!!

Speaking of the feminine and of celebrations, my friend had an early birthday get-together at a west-side club which was featuring a funky belly-dancing extravaganza. There was a groovy, gypsy-ish/middle eastern-ish band, guest belly dancers, and a room full of women young and old who were shaking their thangs and gyrating for all they were worth. I haven't been surrounded by that much estrogen since my last Stitch 'n Bitch, which was quite a while ago. All these smiling women swaying their hips, and waving their arms, swathed in filmy skirts and scarves sporting sparkly sequins (a little alliteration, woot!), made me feel good, very good.

My friend's boyfriend wasn't all that wowed by what he felt was this odd combination of navel-gazing and contrived, sexualized exhibitionism, but I felt it was a rather unique and peculiarly feminine thing, 'cause it really wasn't for the guys at all.. For me, it was an unusual, but not unwelcome, celebration of our individual selves and our shared experiences. Kind of a bellydancing love-in.

Sweet.

This IS Eden

I *heart* this article. Darwin forever!!!!!

A. A. Gill on Kentucky's Creation Museum Culture: vanityfair.com